Dear Ginger-2

the first day after you left was kinda awful. couldn't help breaking down when I saw your favourite guava in the fridge. and when Tony fried chicken for dinner. and when Tony made me an ice cream cone. cuz all these were your favourites too.

then I imagine you sitting at the table leg with your cutie face placed on my lap, begging for food. then teared up again. 

there were house chores left undone. clothes needed washing. bathroom floor getting slimy. ants crawling in the sink. i  needed to get a grip you see. Tony needs me. he's got enough on his plate the only person available to manage the house now is just me.

life has to go on. there's the school magazine that need editing. there's slb paperworks otw.  and there's more housechores and food to prepare when tired tony gets back home.

this grieving phase is hard but i undestand that I need to get through this in a healthy way for complete healing. reminded of the grieving course i took in church few years back, that people tend to avoid asking the grieving person details of his/her grief, afraid might hurt their feelings, but that's wrong. the more a person grives the more u need to ask, to let out the grief, to show you care. that's kinda true. i mean obviously i felt happier when people drop by to ask me what actually happened to you instead of just dropping a rip.

guess the real ones taking it hard are my papa, mama and dajie. they're the ones trying hard to get used to your absence since you're always that little 24/7shadow at home. i was seldom around anyway. me im still ok compared to them. they hard it worst.

we discussed abt how we felt in the family chat. the first time we openly talked abt our sadness and pain when you left.  i need to help them express tho they always like to keep their hurts bottled up.

 i kinda like how you united us together once again as a family even after you'd left.

tony said we're not getting another dog. not anymore. if this cycle were to repeat every 10 years. he can't imagine me. i thought so too. i can't imagine myself. im not sure how many more rounds of this can my heart withstand.

used to discuss with Tony abt which dog we'll get when you're gone and now that it happened we don't really want another dog we just want baby you back. 

repeated your name ginger ginger ginger on the drive back home. felt like if i did not say it any often now i might forget what it's like calling your sweet name.

feels wonderful typing without structure not concern abt grammar.

know that you're not gonna see this anyway. or perhaps you can i dunno. it's more on helping expressing my grief I can read back and do my own bibliotherapy its writing therapy yes. 

saw a picture of you inspecting mama's plants and flowers in the morning. You do look cute. 

You're a flower inspector.