Bye, 2023; I'm Ready, 2024

Hiya people.

It's 8.26p.m right now, and a gentle rain is tapping on my rooftop. I sit here now in the kitchen, typing into my mum's old "classic" laptop, accompanied by the comforting snores of my 3 dogs. Meanwhile, a lively salesperson's voice resonates through the room, streaming from my mum's Facebook live— persuading potential customers to purchase his drawer cabinet. And even though each alphabet takes 3 seconds to appear on the screen, it sure doesn't hinder my mood to blog.

I love that I have the time to sit down and quietly ponder about what to write for a year-end post this year. Unlike the previous year, when I hurriedly made my way back from my hometown to the city where I worked—a rush that I decidedly did not enjoy—I now appreciate the luxury of time. I also definitely do not enjoy squeezing in a crowded mall or anticipating a New Year's countdown only to feel emptiness and fatigue the next day. This year, I find solace in the simple joy of sitting in tranquillity with my thoughts, surrounded by the presence of my family, my lover and my dogs— what a great way to end the year.

“We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox.”

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

There are 3 main thoughts I would like to leave here before 2023 ends:

Of Education 📚

Back in the olden days, when society had yet to exist, when people wandered aimlessly in search of food and shelter, people had to make do with skills and knowledge passed down from older generations in order to survive. Spartan kids were taught fighting skills and trained to be elite warriors. The indigenous communities taught their kids knowledge about wild food hunting (animals and plants). The nomads passed on their knowledge of observing climate changes. Years pass, the human population grow, civilization expands, and we begin to realize how crucial it is to pass on the knowledge we have to our younger generations. And so our learning methods evolved- from songs to stories to textbooks; from mother nature to school; from living skills to submission, obedience and political power. What is the basis of value education? I wonder and still struggle with the answers. I still remember the conversation I had with my cousins from Australia a few years back. I remember listening in awe as they shared about the lessons they have- swimming, music (the piano or the guitar), arts, culinary and horse riding.  They discuss historical and contemporary events in class. They share opinions on humanity and wars, race and prejudice, suffering and empathy. They learned how to fix cars and repair homes and furniture. They have knowledge about the environment and on how to protect the earth. Now and then, they would buy junk cars for repair- a hobby just to pass the time. Before ending the conversation, they still expressed their admiration towards Asian kids', "Do you all really ace every single test and exam? Because all the Asian kids in class always perform well in tests." I laughed it off, it was kind of them to say that. As they headed off to bed, I remained in the living room., desperately searching online for any recommended plumber- the main pipe in my apartment had been leaking on and off. And also because I obviously do not know how to repair a broken pipe. What is the basis of value education? I wonder.

Of Human Avarice 🤑

How do you define greed? Does it mean taking something that is not yours? Does it mean wanting more of something? Does it mean allowing desires to overtake principals? And then, the next question would be 'Who doesn't have greed?' I dunno, perhaps there truly is someone, somewhere, in this big, vast world. And perhaps it also largely depends on how this individual defines greed. I know of a colleague. She gave tuition at a fee of RM 40 per hour. It's a 1 to 1 class. I also know of another colleague providing tuition at a rate of RM 80 per hour. It's also a 1 to 1 class. They both wanted to earn more for a living, the latter wanted more. But there's no wrong in wanting more, I mean, not at all. The latter might seem to be wanting more, but perhaps she has a flailing father in the hospital, loan settlements to pay, and an NGO orphanage waiting for her monthly donation. We can judge and make assumptions all we want, but I guess that at the end of the day, it all comes down to the heart. Only the heart knows--let God and our personal self be the judge. As hard as it sounds, the money that I earned is not mine. According to the faith I believe, God gave me the understanding to know wisdom, and with the wisdom I have, the ability to work and to earn. Our entrusted wealth bears a responsibility—to contribute to making the world a better place for the sick, the hungry, the poor, and the incapable, as well as for the welfare of animals and the environment. When the day concludes, each of us must answer to God for how wisely we managed the resources bestowed upon us.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain,, or we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. Those who want to be rich, however, fall into temptation and become ensnared by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. By craving it, some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows." - 1 Timothy: 9-10 

It's not whether we have the money, it's whether the money has us. Don't give money the power to make you happy.

Of Delayed Gratification 🏃

It's a recent concept, this delayed gratification. "Delaying gratification is the act of resisting an impulse to take an immediately available reward in the hope of obtaining a more-valued reward in the future. The ability to delay gratification is essential to self-regulation, or self-control." For example, you can forgo large purchases to save for a vacation, skip desserts to lose weight, or take a job you don't love but that will help your career later on. I love that they finally have a name for this concept- that this concept has existed for so so so long and finally, FINALLY, someone came up with a name! I personally think that the books I came across so far are just skimming the surface of 'delayed gratification' (but who are you to say that those books people spent years researching and writing are too shallow for your taste I MEAN COME ON WHO ARE YOU *slaps*). But I would like to go deeper, with a few thoughts in mind...Besides the normal aspects of financial spending, working out, and the path to career planning or chasing after dreams, in terms of relationships with people, delaying gratification can also mean not having the last word in every argument. It means holding back your tongue in retortion and forcing down mean words when you are angry. It demands all the patience you have when you feel like throwing a tantrum. It means being gentle and showing weakness in order to be strong. It means saying 'no' to sex before marriage even when the rest of the world resorted. It means the willingness to be tied up to that one person for the rest of your life with a marriage certificate. I could go on and on. 

 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." -Galations 5:22-23

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Entering the new year of 2024 is a bundle of excitement, tinged with a touch of anxiety and concern, as I'll be hitting 3-0! I find myself content with the current stage of my life. I have parents who try their best to support me, a loving husband, a close circle of best friends, a caring elder sister and an affectionate younger sister—alongside the companionship of my new adorable doggie. Nestled in my cosy abode, and with a satisfying job, I reflect on what more could I possibly wish for? Right? But sometimes, when I sit alone and ponder about life, my heart still breaks thinking of the absence of my own kid. I was chatting with my dear roomie the other day during our latest meet-up in Penang, and she mentioned how her mum thinks I'm someone who knows exactly what they want and doesn't get all caught up in unnecessary stuff. It was surprising, but her mum kinda nailed it. I thought so too! I've always been clear about what I'm after and what I'm not. Like promptly tying the knot upon graduation or purchasing the first house I saw, no second-guessing. And when the idea of having a furry baby friend popped into my mind, I just started surveying and grabbing the first pup I had my eyes on. Looking back, my journey has been pretty straightforward. If I want something, I go for it, and I got it (I'm truly grateful for that). So when I thought I wanted a baby, I went ahead purchasing picture books and necessities, anticipating a baby's arrival, However, life took an unexpected turn, and suddenly, I found myself at a loss, grappling with the realization that having a baby might not be the only option, and panic sets in. Like having a baby was the one and only option I wanted and I had never, ever considered other options available before. Panic arises, the clock is ticking, the whole world is watching..... but hey, it's okay. Everything will be alright. It's okay to not have a baby. It's okay to consider adoption. It's okay too to enjoy the rest of your life and have fun with your best partner. I have the most open-minded parents, supportive sisters, and good friends—no one is pushing you, so don't be hard on yourself *pats own head*. For the past few years, I constantly felt anxious and afraid.  The stress kicks in when people start throwing questions at you, and you're just left there with no answers to offer. So having the strength to express this thought openly now, without fear of becoming a topic of conversation, feels like a form of redemption.  But God uses the waiting to heal us 🕐 — He sits you down, gives you perspectives, and grants you the courage and strength to move forward. So if you're reading this and going through the same dilemma I'm facing, please take comfort in knowing you are not alone 😇

Happy New Year 2024 😚

“It is easy to mourn the lives we aren't living. Easy to wish we'd developed other talents, said yes to different offers. Easy to wish we'd worked harder, loved better, handled our finances more astutely, been more popular, stayed in the band, gone to Australia, said yes to the coffee or done more bloody yoga. .It takes no effort to miss the friends we didn't make and the work we didn't do, the people we didn't do, and the people we didn't marry and the children we didn't have. It is not difficult to see yourself through the lens of other people, and to wish you were all the different kaleidoscopic versions of you they wanted you to be. It is easy to regret, and keep regretting, ad infinitum, until our time runs out.

But it is not lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It's the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people's worst enemy. We can't tell if any of those other versions would of been better or worse. Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.”

― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library