Thank you 2022, Hi 2023

The previous year just rushed by in the flip of an eye, no kidding. I used to remember how time seemed to crawl ever so slowly when we were kids, that we would just sit idling after school, wishing that time could be faster and faster—fast enough for us to go to high school, fast enough so that we could start enjoying university life, fast enough to graduate and earn our first bucket of gold, fast enough to marry that perfect guy… But as we grew older, we suddenly realized that perhaps, time had been too fast, and with much regret, we wished for time to slow down instead. Time would then just throw back its head and laugh menacingly, curling its lips as it spat out those appalling words, “Too late! I ain’t gonna slow down no more!” 

Hence, here’s to a late post of 2022, and the starting post of 2023. I find the greatest comfort in knowing that blogging and reading have a unique way of stopping time in a particular moment. Also, knowing that a certain number of people constantly stopped by to share my time makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. Here are some major “happenings” in 2022:

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I finally got back on reading. That feeling was great!💃 It was like getting in touch with an old friend who had always been patiently waiting for me to meet up someday. I remember slowly giving up on this hobby when I was first posted to KL. I’m not sure whether all bookworms like me felt this before: that the more you read, the more you feel like you could not blend in with the people around you? This feeling had always come and gone throughout my childhood and my adolescent life, and it just got even stronger in adulthood. It’s like my mind is always full of thoughts and quotes and philosophies. I wanted desperately to share all the amazing stuff I read but then realized to my utmost disappointment that people just do not sync with me. I wanted to share about life, politics, and all the “have you ever thoughts?”, basically just about deep stuff that connects souls and minds. However, all people ever wanted to talk about were stupid jokes and gossip and some philosophies that made me want to flip more eyeballs. I felt so disconnected and left out in real-life conversations, and in a desperate move to blend in, I figured that I should just stop reading altogether so I would not have more thoughts stocked up in my brain. 

But I was completely wrong. It was not books or the knowledge I held that disconnected me from people. The main culprit was my pride and my ego.  Once I fully understood this, I realized that, hey, connecting with people seemed so much easier. Just start from zero. Empty yourself of all knowledge and information. Listen intently to what people are sharing. Sometimes, the greatest wisdom of all comes from people who had never read. 

And that feeling of being disconnected? Was it completely gone after I set aside my pride? Well, it still comes and goes. I guess that’s the price to pay for chasing after wisdom, you have to live with it.

Ecclesiastes 1: 17-18 “Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.”

I love this saying from the bible. The more we know, the more we don’t know. And the more we know, the more we are accountable to live up to. The life of thinking and understanding increases joy, but at the same time also increases sorrow. 

Luke 12: 58 “To whom much is given, much will be required.”

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I began reading electronic books!!! How much of a breakthrough it is for me is indicated by the three exclamation points haha! Because it feels good to hold a book, I've always insisted on reading hard copies. Additionally, it can reduce the amount of time I spend using technology, and to top it off, hard copies can expand my home library of books. However, since I started working, I've come to the realisation that I can only read each book once, and there is also a tonne of excellent novels out there vying for my attention. Simply put, I couldn't afford to reread my older novels. I also moved into a small apartment where every square inch is valuable. I couldn't afford to start a new library at this time, could I?

So, I did what I believed was completely right and meaningful (clearly self-praising hahaha!): I gave half of my lovely babies to students or relatives and sold half of them on the second-hand book platform. Then I started purchasing secondhand books as well, which were far less expensive! I get to sell them once more after I'm done with those, and the cycle continues. On a perfect day, I posted an ig story requesting that a particular book title be made available second-hand, and a friend of mine later offered to send me a PDF. Although I was skeptic initially, I forced myself to read it since I had no other choice. Then I was like WOAH! WHY DID YOU NEVER GIVE E-BOOKS A CHANCE YOU MORON! The experience was amazing. The reading app allows me to highlight unfamiliar words and it can search for them immediately. I can even highlight all my favourite quotes and collect them in an album for easy reference. There’s also a virtual bookmark, you can just pick it up wherever u left it behind. To sum it all up, it’s CONVENIENCE. Am truly grateful to that friend for introducing me to the world of e-books.

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Sharing book reviews on ig became another part-time hobby that I extremely looked forward to. I took nice photos of book covers, added my reviews, posted them on ig stories, then later keep those stories in my highlight buttons—proudly on display in my ig profile. I got this idea from one of my favourite youtubers @kellyyang, where she would always recommend good books and movies in her videos. Then, I figured people may appreciate recommendations of good books too since recommendations online (ESP xhs) are more fake than genuine. I actually wanted to do book reviews on xhs or have a bookstagram/ booktok account, but I did not want reading to become a burden. I wanted it to remain a relaxing hobby that I continuously enjoy, so ig story became the best option.  As much as I love sharing book reviews, I began to worry too—that people will not see it as how I see it. I asked Tony, “Will people think that I’m showing off how much I read?”, to which he replied “You can’t control much of what people think all the time. Just do what you think is best. And you don’t even read THAT much, there are people who read 20 books per month.” OK, his words are always the best assurance haha! If through sharing books I can encourage the love for reading, and if everyone in my circle of friends starts reading, and and aaand if all my friend’s circle of friends starts reading, soon everyone would be reading and through reading the world would be a better place! *Please allow me to dream on*

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This also led me to another perspective: How nice would it be if everyone utilizes social media for the purpose of sharing good stuff? I remember having a discussion with Tony the other day with him sharing that he dislikes the mentality of people using social media as a way of showing off materialistic stuff they have, like sharing what their husbands/bfs got them on Valentine’s and anniversaries, or what they got for their birthdays etc.

 I pondered and replied, “What if they are not showing off? What if they are merely sharing their happiness unintentionally? We can rejoice along with their happiness!”

While it’s true that we can choose to take an open-minded approach and participate in other’s happiness, it’s also true that this practice in itself is mentally unhealthy and contribute to increasing anxieties in modern society.  When people look online and the feeling of comparison kicks in, the fear and the anxiety is real.  And while we have the ability to look at all this with another perspective and continue life cheerfully, there are also those who are mentally weak… and it is our responsibility to look out for them, isn’t it? 

“Then what should I share on social media instead? There’s nothing much left to share!”, I asked.

We arrived at a conclusion: the key is to share moments and feelings, things that excessive money can’t buy. Like a happy car ride, that hike up the mountain, that McD sundae cone we got after our evening jog, nature and animals, shopping with fun people (emphasize on people, not the things you bought) etc. It was so so so hard at first. I had to refrain from posting every single time! But still, I know that change and everything worthwhile don’t come easy. I hope that I managed to persevere, if not, at the very least see a decrease in these activities.

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One of my proudest accomplishments in 2022 was to finish proofreading 10 copies of thesis/ research.  I had previously believed that maybe I could resign and take on proofreading as a full-time job, but now I thought otherwise. Personally, proofreading is way harder than being a teacher. It demands your full attention for 24 hours around the clock, scanning grammar and errors until every single brain cell screams for you to stop and rest. It lacks the human touch and is even more mentally taxing than teaching.  You soon grow weary of staring at your laptop screen all day and all week. I am grateful, though, for the opportunity to get a glimpse of other career prospects, because at least now I know I’m more cut out to being a teacher. Not sure whether I will continue part-time proofreading this year. I shall just take it as it comes, no pressure. 

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I underwent intrauterine insemination (IUI) and in vitro fertilization (IVF) last year. As painful as what everyone who underwent these procedures described, it was nonetheless one of the happiest moments of my life.  Even as I jab syringes into my abdomen every morning and night, swallow countless pills at every interval of the day, we still felt so much hope and joy, eagerly anticipating our baby’s arrival. You see, hope is a powerful thing. It carries you through the hardest storms and gives you motivation for living.  We’re still at a loss right now and are just embracing every day as it comes. Step by step. One baby step at a time.  If things didn’t turn out, we can still always opt for adoption. 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

*It took all of my courage to share this here. If you care for us, you may keep us in your prayers. When the time is right, by God’s grace we will share a detailed testimony then (don’t come asking for details rn ya) 

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Sometimes I feel like I do not need many friends. Maintaining friendships is beginning to tire me out. I guess it’s the effect of aging? Haha. I genuinely value friends who always find an effort to keep in touch with me through communication and care. But do you all still maintain friendships from the past? Like, you all no longer talk to each other anymore, not even small talk, but you all still religiously send small birthday angpaus through tng on a yearly basis. I dunno why, it feels like I’m maintaining friendships through money? Feels kinda meaningless to me 💬 *oops*

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That’s all for now yeah.

I always get entangled in my thoughts before I blog—what should I share and write? After all, this blog is open to everyone, and I would be treading on thin ice. But after much thought, the truth is that not all people can patiently read through a long-winded post haha! And those people who can are most probably people who have a constant reading habit or, that they genuinely wished the best for me. Either which, to you who hung around till the end, to you I entrust my deepest thoughts- my shame and pride. I stripped myself bare, knowing that I am kept in trust 😇

Happy Chinese New Year’s Eve💟

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Matthew 6: 25-27 - Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6: 34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.