30th birthday (2024)

Every time I start to blog, I feel both excited and anxious.  The excitement, because I can’t wait to express all the thoughts in my head, and anxiousness, because if I don’t manage to clear my mind of all these thoughts on the day I blog, I won’t be able to sleep! These thoughts, as harmless as they seemed to be, will proceed to swirl around my mind all through the night, making it impossible to fall asleep, to the extend that I had to force myself out of bed and make sure to type down all those damn thoughts. I'm not sure if all bloggers feel the same agony I do. 😂

September is the month I finally turned 30. It was great. I was once again reminded by family and friends of how much I am loved and have loved. I was also once again reminded of God's tremendous blessings and grace throughout my 30 years of living. Blessings are not necessarily only good things/ events/ circumstances that happened in your life. Voicing this thought out loud because I've seen so many around me, accrediting blessings to material wealth or good circumstances. Like "This new BMW is such a blessing", or "Everything went smoothly for me this year how lucky/ blessed I am".  I mean, yes, we can give God the credit for all the material things we have, the need provided, the desire fulfilled, but if we're limiting blesssings to only these circumstances, it has to stop. If I am calling myself blessed because of material good fortune, I couldn't help but wonder how would those unfortunate people feel? Isn't it offensive to the hundreds of millions of people in the world who live on paycheck to paycheck, who dig scraps out of dustbins, who struggle to survive?  Would they feel that they aren't the "blessed ones", that God doesn't care? Or other examples, why does one person get cancer and another doesn’t? Why does one person lose her job and another doesn’t? As I reflected on my “feeling blessed” perspective, two thoughts came to my mind. First, God is not a genie in a lamp. The Almighty isn't some sort of sky-bound, wish-granting fairy who spends his days randomly bestowing cars and cash and wishes upon his followers. Second, we need to realign our definition and perspective of "blessings".

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me."

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

-Matt 5: 3-12

Living 30 years, I have no idea how I got this far, of why I have the opportunity I have. It's definitely not because of how great or smart or rich I am. It’s beyond comprehension. For everything I have today-- my wisdom, my physical and mental strength, my abilities, without God, I am nothing. Still, if I take advantage of the opportunities set before me, a comfortable life may come my way.  And if it does happen, will he call me blessed, or will he ask,

“What will you do with it?”

“Will you use it for yourself?”

“Will you use it to help?”

“Will you hold it close for comfort?”

“Will you share it?”

So many hard choices.  So few easy answers. I pray that I always understand and remember my true blessings.  It’s not my house.  My job. My title. Or my standard of living. No. My blessing is this, that I know a God who gives hope to the hopeless.  I know a God who loves the unlovable.  I know a God who comforts the sorrowful.  And I know a God who has planted this same power within me.  Within all of us.

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One of my happiest (and proudest) habits that I swore to get rid of before my birthday is to stop the addiction of checking IG stories (on purpose), and I would like to say I DID IT?! (Disclaimer: Kopi's IG doesn’t count because his mami is trying hard to record his growth.) This goal started when I realized that the time I spent posting stories and then checking who had seen them, who reacted, and replying to messages could be used for greater purposes. I had always grumbled that I didn’t have time, that I was too busy, but the truth is, YOU DAMN WELL HAVE TIME, BUT YOU WASTED MOST OF IT. There, the truth in caps. Hahaha. I will admit, when I first started restricting myself from checking/posting stories in the first three weeks, it was extremely agonizing. I would walk around searching for things to do—absolutely anything—but just not clicking on IG stories. I cleaned the house, scrubbed the toilet tiles, rearranged the clothes in my wardrobe, played with my dog, trained my dog, picked up a book, went grocery shopping, etc. It was hard, but I am ever so thankful that I made it through. Suddenly, I found that I have so, so, so much time to do many things *rub tears of joy*. Yes, I still check IG stories occasionally, but the addiction is gone. I click on IG stories sometimes when I truly want to see them, not because it’s-a-routine-I-must-check-every-single-day kind of check in. The power is now in my hands. I can choose to see, or not to see, and this feeling is so amazing! 

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I just finished a book entitled "Happy Place." The theme of the book revolves around friendship, family, and love. The characters decided to go on a vacation together to a happy place—the spot where they had bonded and shared so many memories. Ever since they graduated and left for different cities, pursuing different job offers and dreams, the five friends had each been struggling with their own thoughts. They didn’t realize that everything was changing and that the dynamics of their friendship were shifting. They tried so hard to cling to the friendship they once had, but it was slowly fading away due to distance, time, and different life goals.

Eventually, the characters realized that their happy place that week was a mirage because they were hiding their feelings and avoiding the hard conversations. Sabrina was angry because she felt like she was always the one initiating gatherings and conversations. Everyone was upset with Harriet for not replying to text messages in their group chat, but Harriet had her reasons—she was struggling with a mental breakdown and didn’t want to burden her friends with her problems. I cried so hard when the five characters finally came out in the open and had a row. When a friendship—or any meaningful relationship—breaks, it is messy and it hurts, but that’s how you let the light back into that relationship. That’s how you shine a light on what was festering beneath the surface, and that’s how you can move forward stronger.

I never understood how difficult it was to maintain relationships as adults until I found my own relationships at a crossroads. I also never realized how lonely being an adult can be. We don’t always live in the same places as our friends, and sometimes we don’t see them every day, week, or month. Sometimes we see them just once a year, or we might not see them at all, only texting or calling instead. Life becomes about finding time for the people you love. We wish we could go back to when things were easier, when we could see our friends every day and talk about random things because we had nothing but time together. But life changes. It becomes harder and more complex when you are close to someone and don’t want that relationship to change because change is terrifying. Change is uncomfortable. People like to feel comfortable. We don’t enjoy change as much as many things do change. So accept the changes. Let your friends change. Let them grow. If you are truly someone’s friend, you will love them as they are and as they are becoming. Friends come and go, so cherish the ones who stay.

“It doesn't matter how busy life's been, how long the five of us have gone without seeing one another: meeting at the cottage is like pulling on a favourite sweatshirt, worn to perfection. Time doesn't move the same way when we're there. Things change, but we stretch and grow and make room for one another. Our love is a place we can always come back to, and it will be waiting, the same as it ever was.You belong here. ”

“I think, sometimes, we are simply afraid to need. We’re afraid that if we ask too much, if we bare our tenderest wounds and show our ugliest sides, we’ll find out that we aren’t lovable. That we can only keep the ones we love around us as long as we cost them nothing, create no burden.”

― Emily Henry, Happy Place