Scribbling thoughts here and there

Just another usual day driving home from work, listening to my favourite radio station and pondering about life and work. Then all of a sudden this realization hit me like, it's my 4th year in my new school already?! Tempus fugit!  In this way, I have been a full-time school counsellor for 4 years without knowing it. When I first came to this school (SJKC Pandan), I guess the most important lesson I learnt and truly comprehended was mutual respect. To give an example, we usually don't say that history, music or art lessons are useless subjects or are a waste of time right in our colleagues' faces 'cause it's just plain rude and utter disrespect. Similarly, my colleagues in the afternoon session never say that counselling is useless or a waste of time either, which is a really big leap in mindsets, given that this scenario usually doesn't happen in most schools.

When we choose to respect our colleagues' jobs in school, it's another way of saying that "I know it isn't easy majoring in this or this subject for 5 and a half years" and "Although I don't understand your job, I choose to believe that your job brings great impact in a student's life", at least to me it conveys this message. I major in guidance in counselling, and I guess most of my classmates struggle with this "title" of ours on a daily basis-- that we are the "minorities" in school. And when you are the "minority" in a community, naturally, you have to learn to put up with constant misunderstandings from the people around you, who don't understand the nature of your work. In my previous school,  they said, "Counselling is useless", or "You don't have so many students to counsel either, you can help out with teaching/relieving classes".  All this they said without filtering their words, without trying to understand--like a bucket of water recklessly splashed out. The water of thoughts quickly evaporated from the speaker's mind, for they said it in a moment's rush and contentment, but to the listener, it left a permanent watermark in her heart.  Because of these treatments that I encountered in my previous school, this time round, I came in prepared--I no longer expect my colleagues to understand my job. I kept my feelings bottled up at all times. I did my work silently and went home-no mingling around, with no chit-chatting and certainly no gossip. Also, because I don't expect everyone's understanding, I usually just play the role of a listener-- here and there, I listen to how one colleague had to mark her books until midnight, how another had to key in useless reports, and then another had to scream at the top of their lungs in a terribly noisy classroom till their voices get hoarse. I stay content with active listening,, and (hopefully!) through active listening I can help them shed some burden and tension haha! There were many a time I too wanted to join in and share my complaints, to tell them that "Hey! I'm in the same boat too!", but then a thought would silently pop into my mind, reminding me "Do not say. They won't understand", stopping myself just in time in sharing my true feelings. Whatever that happened in school, I went through silently with gritted teeth, never allowing others to catch even the slightest glimpse of my real feelings (Super self-protection awareness!)

Even with this manner I put up with, my colleagues still treated me kindly. Each time when I walked past their office, some would smile at me and ask me, like genuinely ask me "How was your day?", "Do you need any help?", "Remember to take a rest often, don't stress yourself out!" and so on.  I was not part of their gang, and I never stayed around for a chat (partly because my office is too far away and I simply couldn't afford a chat TT), but they are always choosing kindness over and over again. *sheds tears of joy*

Then there was a time when I was assigned to teach various subjects, or assigned to do all kinds of miscellaneous tasks--a treatment most counsellors can't escape. If I were to be honest, every time I was assigned a substitute class, I would feel very upset and would think, "Why do we need to always substitute their class when they never help substitute ours?  Our sessions are still pilling up like mountains..", but in this school, these thoughts came and went quickly, BECAUSE! because my colleagues will say "Thank you for helping us with relieving classes, this is originally not your job". THEY ACTUALLY SAID THANK YOU! I still remember how I felt the first time I heard this, I almost burst out in tears 😭 Thank you, just 2 simple words, lifted all the bitterness in my heart. After all, all humans ever wanted was just to be understood and to be acknowledged. 

I also remember another time, when I was assigned to "help out" in keying various PBD reports. My dear colleagues, each volunteered to take up a subject. They said, "I will key in for you instead because we understand this is supposedly not your job".  I guess my colleague's and my administrator's full support, even when they do not understand my job, is my greatest motivation to give my best counselling services. I am not an experienced counsellor, I am not even a professional. But each day, I try my best, and give my best, because they entrusted me with theirs. My school has a large number of students, hence there are always unending clients and unending sessions to keep up with. The demands are high, up to 3-4 sessions a day (which, from an academic teacher's way of saying, is "8 periods straight" in a day lol). 

Although my days are busy, still most of the days I go to school feeling grateful and content--at least I am doing what I am passionate about. It is extremely rare to be able to have administrators and colleagues who understand the importance of counselling services in school. Many people say that the Malays are very conservative in their thinking, but in fact, I actually think that it is us, the Chinese, who are still lagging behind, in terms of accepting counselling services in school. While schools in Western countries and in Sekolah Kebangsaan are already emphasizing counselling services, our Chinese schools, on the other hand, are still blindly pursuing academic and competition results, ignoring spiritual and emotional development. This is a topic that is going to cause a serious world war in school, and I shall tread no further 😂

Some say that counselling has no effect and no changes can be seen in students. But I want to clarify in my humble opinion--my job is not to make them change, but to provide companionship, and the psychological changes brought about by the power of companionship are often invisible to our eyes. It can only be experienced and felt by the individual herself.

I know the kind treatments I enjoy today will not always remain the same tomorrow. People come and go, administrators change all the time, and colleagues will be replaced.  For the time being, I will just give my best for God and cherish what I have. Let tomorrow worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of its own.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for giving me the opportunity to go all out and do what I love 🥰

“how is it so easy for you

to be kind to people he asked 

milk and honey dripped

from my lips as i answered 

cause people have not

been kind to me”

-milk and honey-