Reflection 2021

Woke with a start as the rain started lashing at the windows. Another rainy day. Not sure which area of the country would be flooded again. Rainy days are good days for sleeping in. Rainy days are also good days for getting caught up in emotions and memories.

I used to wonder how I would thank 2021 when I finally walked towards the end of that long passageway. I imagined myself posting happy pictures with a lovely caption on Instagram. I envisioned myself hugging those I love and thanking God for just another perfect year. But as I racked my thoughts for those glamouring words to say, none came up. Instead, I can feel emotions in the form of words welling up from my chest and eventually getting stuck at my throat. And the very next minute, I can feel tears in my eyes, dangerously trying to make a fall. 

2021 had not been kind. I guess it would be the part of my life where the blinds are constantly shut, where the outside world couldn't peak in, and where I couldn't, and wouldn't, look out. 

I could still remember that hollow sadness and desperation as we moved from hospital to hospital.

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I remember how we masked up our sadness, put on a big smile and went on about life as if everything was normal.

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I remember that numbing shock and sinking heartache as the woman to whom I'd never really had the chance to develop a good mother and daughter-in-law relationship left this world all too soon. And until today, we did not have a clue about what really happened. 

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I remember hearing his cries every regular night, the heartache of missing someone.

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I remember how my heart felt like it had been physically torn out as my sweet baby collapsed from heatstroke.

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I finally seem to understand why people in their sadness seem to magnify their problems and refuse to look at the other side of the coin, to look at the side of positivity. That's because they were too deep down in the valley, and the sun could not reach them. In order to reach out for the sun, they have to make slow progress in climbing up from this valley. Some progress takes months, some takes years. And it's in progress like that, they hope for people to understand and hold them, instead of shouting out from above the valley, "Hey, stay positive!" *ouch* I was once that insensitive moron too. *laughs*

"So if God is such a loving God, why does He allow suffering in this world?" people often ask. Evil truly hurts, and it hurts our intelligence as we try to understand when we do not understand. People usually associate evil and suffering from the idea of punishment from God, just like how the chinse believe in 因果报应. But based on the truth I regard, evil, suffering and revenge doesn't come from God. These come from the work of the evil one, who we call satan ( this is a tremendously long story and I shall stop here ha-ha but i'm open for discussion we can dm 😜).  I find the versions of Buddhism that teach karma and reincarnation to be really hurtful.  Within that logic, our present circumstances are the result of past actions: sins in a past life can determine suffering here and now. So imagine someone walking up to you and say, "You're in this situation now because you did this and this and this last time. It's karma" or "Maybe you were very bad in your previous life, so this happened to you in the present life", how would you feel? And don't all humans make mistakes? To err is human, isn't it? In fact, most of the time we see sufferings happened on the kindest of kindest human... *i'm sorry if my perspective hurts anyone, feel free to discuss ya* 

But Christianity is not like that. We believe that the amount of suffering a person endures is not proportional to his or her sin or wrongdoing. And we believe that the amount of good a person enjoys is not proportional to his or her good doing either.  No amount of fault or wrongdoing can make God love us less, and no amount of good you do can make God love us more. We are not of our own efforts or works, so that we wouldn't boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast."

oopsie, off course again. 

Amid all the unkindness received, I find this verse to be really comforting:

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"...the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.…"

I still don't know the answers and the reasons to what is happening and what will happen. But I hope that I can continue to cling on to what's left of my faith... That in my darkest valley of life, I remember:

the courage and baby steps I took even as I tremble with fear;

the memories I held dear as silent tears shed;

the nights spent kneeling in prayer and in sobs;

the kindness showed when there was no one to witness;

the humility as a mere human who needs to surrender;

and the love from God and the love of those who love me dear;

And to all who willingly dropped by in my humble post, I hope you know that you are more than the flaws you made. As you take the lessons the world taught you, and as you digest the emotions and helplessness flung at you, remember to hug yourself and say " I made it through" 💓

🖉not the mainstream thankful post of 2021

🖉taking comfort in sadness

🖉till I find my way home

POST CREDIT "SCENES" TADAAA!😝

2021 accomplishments that I'm still proud of:

💌 Did not buy ANY new clothes (SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!! learning to stay contend with what I already have haha)

💌 Started proofreading (6 copies!) 

💌 Cooked our own meals during weekdays (eat out only on Saturday)

💌 Continuous tithing (tho I struggle all the time)

💌 Refrained from posting presents I received for special occasions on social media (IT'S A SUCCESS!!! Cuz Mr Tony says social media is promoting culture of showing-off *will make a post of this if I have the mood stay tuned*)

okay it's real goodbye! Toodles~ 👋💋😘