Living with grace -July

So I had been experiencing ongoing gastric pain for some time now. I guess it started from my first year of working in KL, but back then the pain was still quite okay. I have flash pains occurring only when I did not manage to grab food on time, but it could still be relieved with gastric medicine, so there was nothing much to worry about back then, so I thought to myself, which of course lead to this little experience of mine that I'd decided to share. And of course, the moment you get to see this post obviously means that I'm very much alive and kicking and hitting the keyboard, so yeah I'm perfectly fine for the time being. All is well. Yeah, all is well.

My gastric symptoms escalated this year. To the point that I was no longer sure whether it's gastric pain or abdomen pain. Even if I ate well and on time, I still have pains at the sides of my abdomen or at the spot beneath the rib cage. At the beginning of the year, the symptoms were ongoing once every week. Then it became 3-4 times a week. Then it became every day. There were a few times too where I woke up in the middle of the night because the pain was quite intense. So I decided to visit the gastrology department and that pretty much sums up my whole month of July: 

- Did CA19.9 blood test and found out that tumour markers exceeded the normal range.  

- Sought consultation at a private hospital and was suggested to do an ultrasound.

- Did an ultrasound at the same private hospital.

- Sought consultation at another private hospital and was suggested to do a gastroscope.

- Sought consultation at a government hospital and was suggested to do a CT scan and then only proceed with gastroscopy.

- Did gastroscopy at the first private hospital I went to.

Yeap pretty much summed up everything. When different doctors have different opinions, it could be really confusing and disheartening, not to mention consulting different doctors was such a big waste of money. In the end, you had to take things into your own hands and make your own choices.

I knew that I had to go through an endoscope anyhow no matter how afraid I was, there's no escape. I was that kid afraid of needles and injections and all sorts of pokings-into-the-body-thingy. I fainted at the clinic once when I was very young after seeing myself injected. That was how scared I was. And being an adult who is afraid of needles is the worst. What will people think if I tell them that me, an adult, cried myself to sleep every night knowing that I had to do an endoscope and worst, a covid test before endoscope, and and and aaaaaand a blood test after? My worst nightmares, all in one package, were nicely packed and delivered to me, on the same day. It's like the end of my life. 

I had made a dive into my thoughts and unveiled this fury monster, whereby I would truly like to blame the school back then for all the consequences and pain I had to bear in the present - that skipping lunches in school were the norms among teachers, that teachers who had the time to sit down punctually for food were labelled "too free", that teachers who worked overtime and proudly posted on social media that they had dinner only at 10pm were oh-so-highly-exalted, oh-so-hardworking and, well, you get the picture. It's the intoxicating unhealthy working environment that chokes the soul and drowns hope and...... I need to stop the furry monster from spitting out more anger and shove it way back in, that's enough.  I took a further dive to cool myself.  A further dive into my entangled string of thoughts. And as I dove deeper, new thoughts emerged. 

You had a choice. You had a choice. You had a choice. Don't play the blame game. Don't blame circumstances. Don't blame others. 

After the harsh voices, a softer voice followed.  It whispers into the silence, whispers into the past, whispers into the pain and whispers into the present. It's okay you did your best. You did your best. You did your best. It's okay. It's okay.

The hardest lesson I learnt in my adulting journey, was that no one could accompany you every single time to face circumstances together. Even if your loved ones, family members or friends wanted very much to be there for you, still, at some point in life, you're forced to go ahead, be brave and fight alone. And it's at times like these too, when there was finally no one to cling to, people only start to seek God, to find consolation in God, when in fact we'd kept God neatly tucked away for most parts of our lives. That's why people say, only weak people can see God because, at times of weakness, people need God the most. And that is exactly the same reason why the strong can't see too. 

1 Corinthians 1:27-28

7 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 He chose the lowly and despised things of the world, and the things that are not, to nullify the things that are…

As I bravely marched into the hospital, as the nurse shove the testing kit into my nostril, as the doctor pressed a thick needle into the back of my palm, and as I slowly drowse off into sleep, the chorus of this song kept on circulating in my mind, "有耶稣在我里面，我就不害怕，有圣灵在我里面，就能行大事". I was gently reminded again and again and again of one of my favourite verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness".

There was so much of God's grace as I cling tightly to Him. I cried as the nurse shove the testing kit into my nostril, and I told the nurse that I was really afraid and asked that could she hold me? The nurse did not condemn or show a face, instead, she held my head and wrapped me in her arms gently, comforting me all the way. And as the doctor shove the needle into the vein on the back of my palm, he repeated gently over and over again, "do not be afraid", "it's okay", "chat with me if it makes you feel better". I told him about my job, about the school, about google meet, about how I came to Johor, and then what happens after I could not recall. 

That night after the endoscope was agonizing. After the sedation went off, I could feel the pain coming in, pressing at my chest, pressing at every breath I took. Recalling back,  sweet Tony massaged my back to soothe the pain throughout the night, though I did now know how long it took me to finally fall asleep, I did know that he never stopped massaging my back, which was truly, really sweet.

*Gastroscopy test received: Acid reflux and gastritis
*On medication

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Overspent on my budget for my trips to the hospital. Money is tight, but I still refused to ask for money from my parents! Quite amazingly, a number of clients contacted me for proofreading. Timely money! Another of God's wonderful grace. 

Dear bestie and bf finding loopholes for me to claim medical insurance. Still dunno whether the claim would be successful. Still grateful though it's the heart that counts ♥️

Thank you, my heavenly papa 😇

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The song that played in my head throughout (ignore my trembling voice it's still on recovery teehee)