Dear Ginger-3

Finally it's the last day of school and I can't wait for holiday to start immediately! Tho holidays mean on-going work and the constant mood switching between i-just-want-to-rest-in-peace and wow-my-work-has-impact-don't-grumble, still it's holiday yeah.

Yst's fb page was flooded with 2 sided news, one side was ppl celebrating how they managed to get a slot for the az vaccine, this was the happy side. The gloomy side, those venting and in desperate despair when the slot was not for them. Me, I'm just steady as usual, always the one cautiously standing at the sidelines, examining perspectives and decisions and slowly working out the strings bundled up in my mind. Was reminded about how we took you for Covid-19 vaccine for animals a month before you left, and couldn't help laughing out at the irony of this.

Was watching a bully's video together with Tony on a happy day, then I remembered telling him that you reacted to high pitched tone by wriggling your butt. Right then I immitated that high pitched tone that I used to use when calling you. I went "GIIIIIIIIIIINGER GIIIIIIINGYYYYY" in that special high pitched tone you love, we both burst out laughing. And then all too soon, without warning, the tap broke. 

I successfully broke up in tears, again, and so I found myself sobbing through the night, with my mind's picture flipping through memories of yours as tears fell on my stitch. Reminded that  stitch was your favourite blue toy. Then I cried some more.

I guess that's the hardest part about grieving. Days go by, and you thought you had slowly gotten over it. Some days, I found myself happily sharing about stories of yours, even giggling at your videos. But there were days too, when even taking a look at your photo was too hard to bear. It's like someone came and switched on the "cry" button, and there you go, you wouldn't know how long it would take to go back to that happy bubbling self again. And just when you finally found your way bubbling back, you accidentally pressed on the switch once more, and the cycle repeats.

I wonder how much pain do ppl feel when they lost parents or spouses or siblings? Couldn't even allow myself to thread more into this thought I dare not imagine. Must be horribly, terribly hard on them.

Thinking back, I don't think I felt this much sadness when Billy left, or did I? Perhaps after comparing the both of you, we found out that you were so much sweeter haha! That's why human's love is conditional. We only love good things, perfect things, right things, things that gave us convenience, things that make us happy, things that serves us values. It all comes with condition. But to be able to love unconditionally....... to love a murderer, a backstabber, a thief, a person who doesn't meet your expectations, who doesn't share the same values, who alway gossips about you..... Wow, I'm arriving at this conclusion, that besides God himself who loves without conditions, it's dogs.

Hmm lemme digest. 

That's all for now. Miss you, Gingy! Feels nice writing without structure and grammar hehooha😂