Wallflower

It's been long, dear blog.

Where have I been?

I've been living.  Some days were gone like the rushing waters from the swollen river bed. Some days were like the vast ocean, you can't glimpse beyond the horizon as you desperately stay afloat, and often times you get overwhelmed by crashing waves. And then, when you do, deprived of strength and motivation, you either allow yourself to sink into the depths of the ocean, or you flail your arms and legs all the more to gasp for even one last breath of air.

"When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” –Isaiah 43:2

Sounds beautiful, no? God's promise has always been the greatest comfort to those who need it.

Last year, I'd finally got my letter of transfer to Johor after waiting for 1 and a half agonizing year! And and aaaaaaand I'd finally been given the chance to work as a full time school counselor! *Hurray* Words just can't express how beyond grateful I felt every single day as I did my routine job. 

 When I was first posted to my first school in KL, the administrators back then wanted me to teach. My ex-colleagues back then thought that it wasn't a big deal for any graduates from IPG to teach. The option I studied was never a determining factor. Then to my utmost sorrow, I found out that most of my friends from the same option had been struggling with the same fate. I soon came to the sad conclusion that Chinese Government Schools in Malaysia were not mature enough to reach the awareness of the importance of Guidance and Counseling in primary schools.  Studies and grades were still placed firsthand before emotional wellbeing. I mean, c'mon, private institutions, international schools, even Sekolah Kebangsaan has functioning counseling units. Hello? Wake up call?

And please, pathetic excuses like “SJKCs had always been lacking of teachers so you need to help out” is a NO? HELLO? If you're missing PK 1 or PK Hem or PK Koku, you find and you find; you beg and you apply; just to get one to replace right? RIGHT? Or you don't ask PK1 or PK Hem or PK Koku to replace lacking academic teachers RIGHT? Same concept. It all boils down to IGNORANCE. SO GET THAT DAMN EXCUSE OUT THE WINDOW AND FIND HARD FOR REPLACEMENT TEACHERS IF YOU CAN't FIND SORRY TO SAY YOU'RE NOT SEARCHING HARD ENOUGH OR YOU'RE SEARCHING LAST MINUTE END OF STORY. oops do I sound rude? *smirk*

Back then I felt deeply sad. About practically everything. Sad about my mentor not taking a stand in school when given the choice. Sad when people said “Don't fight back. Just silently do what is given to you with an open heart.”  Sad when teachers mock , “Oh well, you don't have so many students to counsel, do you?” Each word, was like a stagger driving straight into my depriving motivation. Sometimes I wonder, why do I care so much? If only I did not care so much, go with the flow, stay suppressed, everything would be fine, right? But I just can't. Since I was a kid, I have always tried to find meaning in doing things and I couldn't bring myself to do things which seems utterly meaningless. Let's say for example, I couldn't bring myself to engage in small talk with strangers because the conversation doesn't go deep, doesn't sound sincere and it's an utter waste of time. So instead of making small talk I would choose to stay silent or just walk away.  There.  That's this weird, obstinate me, silently clinging on to things I deem meaningful. 

This weird, obstinate me had a really serious question which she pondered almost every night: 

"God, why let me study Counseling, when in the end, you just wanted me to teach? "

"I thought you wanted me to be a school counselor? "

"If studying counseling was just a process you wanted me to go through, then remove that strong desire in my heart to be a school counselor.“  

I was so lost, I wanted answers, I wanted directions. I questioned my administrators, I took my stand, I stood apart from the crowd. I just did not want to be a good girl and go with the flow. Deep down I knew, one step into the muddy system and there's no turning back.  I mean, for education system to improve for the better in school, changes has to be made, and that change starts from me, from every single one of us who is willing to take on their own roles…

But my voice was too small. 

I was the sole voice in the vacuum, slowly devoided of sound.

When all hope was lost, I received my EgTukar approval. 

And my job has never been the same.

With my limited knowledge and skills, I learnt how to counsel with guidance from my mentor. She's a legend! *Laughs* She conducted sessions with students and parents, and allowed us to sit beside her. There's so much you can pick on just by seeing a counselor conduct sessions. She guided me to conduct programmes, and as I stagger and stutter with stage phobia, she was there to standby if everything goes wrong. She also taught us the trick in getting clients: we distribute referral letters to class teachers every single month. That's how you get so so so many clients! The number of clients were so many, to the extend that each of us had to counsel at least 3-4 clients in a day (which is a whole day) in order to keep on track. I know right! We'd already exceeded the quota set for counselors! But still we carried on with our job, not for the sake of quotas, but because there's a fire burning within us. Because we know this job impacts life.

Truth be told, there were some days where I was so exhausted that I wanted to slack. On days like these, I would think back to those days in KL, where I hoped and prayed so hard to be given a chance. I thought about what my IPG pastor said, that I was posted to this school not just as a teacher, but as a missionary too.  And I thought about the day when I go back to my heavenly home, I would be able to meet my God and say “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.” All these was what kept me going. How ironic right? The events that hurt me in the past actually became my strength for my present.

That's why scars are beautiful. God always makes beautiful things out of brokenness.

“It takes broken soil to produce crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever.” – Vance Havner

I do not know how long this chance would be given to me. School administrators come and go, education system and rules changes over time too. Who knows right? But for now, I will cling on to this passion and to my job, and make the most out of it.

To my high school friend who ignited that passion in me to pursue counseling, if you're still reading this, thank you.  I'm so glad you confided your hurts to me, and gave this immature me a chance to counsel you. My passion started then.

And I shall name this post wallflower. Just because. 

Adios.