Thank you, 2018.

Another 1 day left till 2018 is officially a goodbye. And before we clank our wine glasses and shout (hooray!) into the coming fireworks, sentimental me just want to take a moment to reminisce. 2018 felt like a big infinity of sorrows and joy,to the extend I was constantly confused of my own feelings. Most of the time I would ponder, am I happier now? Or am I still sad? But then a few more pondering would make me realized, hey, life is made up of happiness and sadness all the time. That's why we dance in the storm. That's why we sing in sorrow. It's okay. *smiles*

It seemed like forever ago, like we've had this brief but still infinite forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

I guess I'll just start off with events that made a great impact in my 2018. But thinking back now,it seems like everything that happened in 2018 was super dramatic and hence leaving me constantly bombarded, confused, depressed, excited, delighted, in high spirits, in dreamland...and there you go, the cycle continues *laughs*.

I was posted to a chinese primary school in Setapak as a major in Counseling and Guidance. I was determined to work my way through tough situations and to realize my goals in education. Reality was always beyond expectation, we all know that. Haha. I knew that.  But even if I tell myself a thousand times reality will always be beyond expectation, I guess I still did not see it coming. I was not ready. For the first month, I was sobbing into my pillows every night, sobbing until I fell asleep only to wake up with more dread the next day. I dreaded going to school. I loathed going to school. As I'm typing this entry and trying to recall all my emotions back then, I can still feel a pang of deep sadness, so overwhelming. 

I was literally trudging through every single day. When I made it through a day, it's a day. And then I made it through the next day, it's a day. I took it day by day, literally one step at a time.  All the while, the one and only reason I made it through every single depressing day, was God.  Every morning, my prayer request was "God, take me through this day. I can't make it out alive without you." Day by day, and day by day. It was just like His promised 

"My grace sufficient for you, My strength is made perfect in your weaknesses". 

Somehow, God always, I emphasize always, turn things around. Just knowing that God is holding my hand in every battle comforts me terribly. Because I really had nothing besides God, I have nobody to help me besides God, I depended solely on God alone. And I don't know, perhaps this dependence on Him gave me the chance to personally experienced God's going in my life. It's kinda contradicting, I hope you're keeping up with me. *grins*. It's like,  when I want to control my life the way I want it to be, I want to do things my way, I want to depend on myself, there here you go, you just ended up more exhausted and perhaps stupidly satisfied with the outcome that you wanted. But hey, when I let go of my control in my life, I no longer depend on myself but on God alone, the outcome is always more beautiful than I can imagine, a thousand times better than the outcome I would have achieved had I depended on myself.  Which leads us to a common question my non-christian friends around me always ask, "Why do you all Christians depend on God so much but not on yourself? I would rather depend on myself." Hmm, I',m slowly going off topic I guess I'll stop pulling this string. So months passed, I was beginning to be emotionally stable, though sometimes I still cry twice a week. 

Next, I officially graduated from IPG, five and a half years of fun, laughter and tears. My first convocation in my life. First time wearing a robe, first time receiving fresh graduation flowers, first time receiving graduation presents, seeing the smiles on all our faces, aaaaaand the proud look in my parents eyes, aaah. Yeah, papa mummy, I did it! *flashlight* *cheers* *throws confetti*

The next drama--both tony and I made a decision to get married. *Big grin* I'll skip the drama too on how we decided to get married in half a year's time.  I'll skip the thanking part too I do not want this to turn into an appreciation post haha.  Well, people always say we need to have at least 1 year's time to prepare for a wedding. But hey, we did it! Speaking from experience, half a year's time is more than enough for a small wedding preparation. Most of the time we were just waiting for replies from our guests. Unless you plan to have a big grand wedding of the year than perhaps you'll need to prepare a year ahead. Still could not believe this small girl dream of mine came true so quickly. *sighs*.  I'd always wanted to get married at, 23 perhaps? I dunno, most of my friends around me do not want to be tied down by getting married. They say, "Hey! We're still young! Enjoy while we can!" Me? I'd always longed for a life where I can settle down quickly with the one I love, have kids, build a family, and let my life revolve around my family my kids I wouldn't mind haha. All these would sound like a burden to many, but to me....well, this is what life is about. Family and relationships. Life is too short. I do not know when I'll be gone some day. I just want to treasure my days with people I love while I'm alive. Okayyy, I'll spare you ru yen's theology of life hehe. 

Drama much? 

Yeah, 2018, I love every part of it. I love both the heart-breaking nights, and also the rejoicing lights. Because we're in it together, the good and the bad, the kicks and the kisses, the happy and the sad.

"What happens if you fulfilled your dream?"

"Well, that's the good part I guess. You get to find a new dream."

-Tangled-