Who am I pleasing?

Rainy nights like this, with a cup of hot drink beside you, is one of those best moments to sit down and blog.

My elective lecturer came to observe me today. I'm teaching moral as an elective by the way! In Sekolah Kebangsaan, where the medium of communication is in our national language, bahasa Malaysia. So I'm still picking up those well-know-catchy-student phrases to blend into the culture here. Since SK schools are made up of a majority of Malay pupils, and only non-muslim pupils are taking moral classes, so most of my students are Siamese or Bumiputras from Sabah and Sarawak. How cool is that eh?

Okay the whole main point of the story today was...well, I felt sad after seeing my evaluation marks after observation today. Which is a really big deal. Because, hey, I never really cared about marks before this. Before this, like few semesters back, I always focused on enjoying what I teach and enjoying those bonding time with students. I always cling on to my own principle in teaching as long as it's proven effective and it works! But somehow, maybe it's because I really desire to get a higher CGPA, or because I will be graduating soon in another half a years time and I wouldn't want to leave any regrets behind...so desires like this had prone me to try harder, and harder, and harder. To the extend that I'm no longer happy. I no longer enjoy planning RPHs and activities. I dreaded entering classes only to be given remarks that I did not like by my lecturer. And I actually tried pleasing my lecturer by following his suggestions blindly without pondering the effectiveness of the lesson. You get me? It's like I don't care whether those suggestions are good, I just do what he wants and what he likes so I'll secure my marks. That's my attitude and mindset until today. 

I'm ashamed. I don't like this me that I'm seeing now.

So true.

Only today, after my third observation, after seeing those marks. That instant. That took my happy weekend mood away. Perhaps I had this arrogant heart, I thought I really had the gift and talent in teaching. And perhaps I thought I deserved better after all the hard work I had put into my students. Only then, did I really sit down and pondered. Really think. What had I become? Ru Yen, why are you so down just because of your marks? Did you give your best? Is your heart right when you're teaching? 

Who am I trying to please? Am I trying to please God or please man now? 

So it's okay Ru Yen. You tried hard. You did a good job and your students know *pats own head* From now on just teach with a right heart and right attitude 💓  Thank you God for this wonderful reminder.  If I were to get a high score today, perhaps I'll be so puffed up and yearn for higher scores in the future too. Yeah, I need something like this to bring me to my senses once in a while, ha-ha.

I hope what I harbor inside my heart will always be true to You always

I may fail, intentionally or unintentionally, again and again

Remind me of Your grace and mercy always

If ocean was sadness,

You taught me how to swim.

And if ocean was grace,

I'd be sinking deeper every day.